


feel no shame for what you are. as you now are in your heart

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Strictly come dancing - au, bit of dancing, professional dancer callum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22071892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: He really had made it. He said yes without a second thought. Then came something he hadn’t expected - the producers wanted him paired with a male partner.or a strictly come dancing au
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 128





	feel no shame for what you are. as you now are in your heart

Callum had been a backing dancer on _Strictly_ for the past two years, and it had been the best of his life. It was where he met Whitney, his beautiful girlfriend; world ballroom dancing champion no less. She had a smile like no other, she made the best partner, in and out of dance world.

When he got the call to be a main dancer on the show he couldn’t believe it. He’d been told growing up that he was too tall, too clumsy and that he’d never make it. He’d been proving all his old dance teachers wrong for years, but this felt like the cherry on the cake.

He really had made it. He said yes without a second thought. Then came something he hadn’t expected - the producers wanted him paired with a male partner.

Did they know? Was this their way of laughing at him? Everything that made him happy seemed to have been tarnished with this news. He wanted to say no, turn his back on everything he’d said, just go back to being a backing dancer – go back to being unknown.

But then he realised how wrong that would make him look. He couldn’t say no. Even Whitney thought it was a great idea, a step in the right direction.

As always, he ignored his own feelings and agreed.

A month later he was meeting his dance partner.

Ben Mitchell.

*

Things are fine. They _are_ because they have to be and that’s what Callum tells himself until he begins to believe it himself.

Ben’s an actor, a fellow Londoner, openly gay and has a little dance background from when he was younger. The press and public seem to like him from the get go. They put him as front winner to win the show but it only adds on more pressure for Callum.

He grins through the interviews. Praises Ben on his progress. When he’s asked about how he feels about being the first male professional dancer to be partnered with another male, he says it’s a privilege, happy that the producers chose him.

He feels like he’s the one with an acting career, it’s all lies.

But it’s not because he’s not getting on with Ben. In fact, Ben’s company is amazing. They laugh, Ben makes Callum laugh and it all feels good inside until Callum sees a camera, or is reminded about Whitney or the show; about the fact millions of people will be watching them on Saturday nights.

“I brought doughnuts and coffee. Don’t worry, extra strong for ya,” Ben walks into the studio ready for rehearsals, grey hoodie almost bigger than his small frame.

Callum shouldn’t be surprised Ben knows how he likes his coffee, they’ve been training for a month now for Saturday’s first live show, but he does nothing much but offer a awkward smile and take a sip of his coffee. “Thanks,” Callum takes the coffee with him as he puts the track on:

_A desert road from Vegas to nowhere_

_Some place better than where you've been_

_A coffee machine that needs some fixing_

_In a little café just around the bend_

_I am calling you_

_Can't you hear me_

_I am calling you_

Ben’s face still lights up at the song, and the lyrics still send shivers down Callum’s spine as Ben puts down his coffee and fits himself into Callum’s frame and hold to dance an American Smooth.

When Saturday comes it’s Ben who has to tell Callum to relax, to take deep breaths. That the judges will go easy on them because it’s their first week and of course it’s not going to get 10’s just yet. They’re half way through the show when it’s their turn to dance, and Callum’s taken aback by the response. The audience cheering and clapping more than they have for any other couple, he forgets his surroundings when Ben laughs and jumps up until Callum’s holding him up and walking them over to the judges. Callum’s grip doesn’t loosen on his waist as the judges give their feedback.

They score 28 and when Ben turns to grin up at him, hook his arm around his neck and everyone else chants their names behind them, things begin to feel a little better.

*

“We should go for a drink. Celebrate tonight,” Ben says, still on a high.

“I can’t. I promised Whit-“

“It’s just _one_ drink. Come on,” Ben tilts his head back with an innocent smile, something he does when he wants something or wants Callum to go easy on him in training. “I want to thank ya. I wouldn’t have done what I did tonight if it weren’t for you.”

Callum shakes his head. “You did all the hard work, Ben. Ya should be proud of yourself.”

“Don’t worry, I am,” Ben winks. Of course he would, all this confidence and _arrogance_ he has used to leave Callum on the back foot. Now he just laughs at him, shakes his head.

“One drink,” Callum points his finger, “you’ve got a day off before training again. You’ve only got a week to get the next dance together and I ain’t going easy on ya.”

Ben bites his bottom lip, before pulling Callum along with him. “It’s sexy when you’re all assertive.

Callum’s glad it’s dark out, it hides the blush on his face.

*

It’s mid week through training and they’ve got the Cha Cha Cha. They work on Ben’s arms, he’s got a habit of not finishing his lines.

Callum pushes him harder each day, they don’t stop and by Friday Ben’s got bruises and blisters all over his feet. “I hate you,” Ben grumbles, swigging down a bottle of water after they finish another run through.

“Told ya I weren’t going easy on ya,” Callum wipes the sweat off his face and neck with a towel. “Still think it’s sexy?” Callum asks, playful and with a smile on his face.

He’s not sure why he thought that was ok to say, or why the way Ben looks up at him ignites a firework in his belly and makes him want to go _again_.

“No,” Ben pouts, but he’s up on his feet again and he’s pressing play on the stereo and taking his position next to Callum to run through it once more.

It’s the best they ever do it.

On Saturday they come top of the leaderboard and make it through to the third week. They all go to a bar in London, mostly to celebrate, but to also say goodbye to the first contestant to leave.

“You were amazing tonight,” Whitney tells them both as she wraps her arms around her boyfriends waist.

“You were too,” Callum tells her, rubbing a hand up and down her back. “Gary’s coming along great, but it’s not surprising, is it?” He winks at her, but it’s more of a blink and Ben’s never found anything as adorable as that, he smiles behind his pint. “He’s working with the best.”

She rolls her eyes at her boyfriend, slapping his chest playfully as she tells him to behave. When Callum leans down to kiss her, Ben’s focus turns on to the group behind them and then down at the floor when it becomes almost uncomfortable.

“Alright, get a room,” he laughs, but the sound gets stuck in his throat when they finally part and Callum looks at him. Something behind his eyes that Ben’s never witnessed before, he offers to buy them a drink for something to do.

To give him space. It doesn’t help when he looks back and Callum’s looking over at him, bottle to his lips and Ben’s failing for once to understand what’s going on.

He tears his eyes away and decides to blame it on the alcohol.

*  
This week is difficult. Things are not clicking together and they’re already on Thursday. They’re doing the Rumba, one of the most difficult technically for a male celeb.

Callum wishes that’s what the issue was, it isn’t. Ben’s mastered the moves, his lines are brilliant; the best they’ve been since he started. He’s got a natural talent, his hips move effortlessly, it’s just not _right_.

Callum’s changed the choreography a few times already, and he’s close to doing it again. Ben huffs his frustrations, turning off the music. “What’s the problem?”

Callum licks his lips, feigns ignorance by shaking his head. “Ain’t no problem.”

“We’ve got two days, Callum. Two days to master this dance and you don’t seem to be bothered by that.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, “you’ve already changed the routine twice, I’m struggling and – do ya want us to get voted out?”

“No. No, course not. That won’t happen, the public like ya.”

“Are you being this selfish on purpose?” Ben slaps his hands together, a loud noise cutting the space between them with an echo. “Or maybe it’s because ya can’t deal with the fact you’ve gotta dance with another bloke.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Callum frowns. “I’ve already danced with ya.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods, his body tense and looking like it’s ready to attack. “But this weeks a little different, ain’t it? I mean, we gotta pretend to be lovers, you’ve gotta be able to _look_ and _touch_ me like ya want me. Ya scared your masculinity is going to be a bit battered and bruised?”

“ _No_ ,” Callum argues again, but he can’t say anything else.

“We’re done. I’m tired,” Ben begins to get his stuff together. “I’ll see ya in the morning.”

“Ben-“ Callum tries, tries to get him to stay, to tell him this is stupid, to say sorry.

His legs don’t move though, and Ben’s already gone.

*

Friday is tense between them, but they put on fake smiles as they do their video for the live show and then they’re on _It Takes Two_ with Rylan a few hours later.

Ben admits it’s being his toughest week so far, but he doesn’t say it’s because of Callum or because they don’t even have their dance piece together properly nor have they got a dance they’re sure they’ll even be able to put together on the night.

Saturday is dress rehearsal day, things are still cold between them so they’re thankful for all the crew and other couples being there. Callum’s surprised nobody’s noticed yet. Ben does a good act of pretending everything is alright, but Callum doesn’t miss the dirty looks from Ben.

Maybe it’s just the lighting, the music and their outfits, but when it’s their turn to take to the floor they dance like they’ve not had a single issue through the week.

Callum holds Ben up against him the closest he’s ever done, his touch is soft when it needs to be, and then more passionate when he pulls Ben into him, his hand coming up to caress Ben’s cheek - they’d not done that part in rehearsals and Ben tries not give it away.

He can’t drag his eyes off of Callum even when they’ve finished. He sits to watch the rest of the dances, the gentle warmth of Callum’s hand still fresh on his cheek as he tries to enjoy the other couples.

Then it just gets harder, every part of Ben’s body remembering every touch from Callum as he watches Callum and Whitney giggling on the other side of the dance floor.

He takes it as his cue to leave, not bothering to look back to see Callum watching him go.

*  
“We can’t carry on like this, Ben,” Callum tells him on Saturday night, just before they go live.

Ben’s hardly said a word, and it hurts. He wants the Ben who says something smart back, the one who smirks and who unashamedly flirts because he knows it makes Callum wish he was anywhere else in that moment.

He’d take anything over this.

“We’re fine,” Ben shrugs, mouth turned downwards. “We ain’t always going to agree, are we? Just glad I know what ya really think of me now.”

“What does that even mean?” Callum’s confused, so confused it hurts his head. “We were getting on great-“

“Until ya were screaming “no homo” in your head every time you had to touch me this week.”

Callum laughs in disbelief, because no matter what he thought before coupling with another male, that _really_ isn’t the case now. Or maybe it’s just the fact it’s Ben.

Ben fucking Mitchell. The guy who is living rent free in his mind, the guy who’s consuming every part of Callum’s life without even realising it.

“Do ya realise how stupid that sounds.” Callum swallows, taking a step closer and saying quietly, “you’ve got it all wrong.”

Ben doesn’t get chance to question anything, they’re being called by producers to come backstage, ready to walk down the stairs ready for the show.

Ben takes a deep breath, for the first time he feels nervous. Fears this is the end of his- their journey and it’d all be because of misunderstandings and no communication. It’s the smallest of gestures, but Callum stands close behind him and squeezes Ben’s shoulder until his breathing steadies.

Maybe he did have it all wrong.

It’s a long wait until they’re on, and everything is just the same as every other week. They cheer and have a laugh with Claudia and everything feels the way it’s supposed to again.

When they do dance, the lights are low and Callum whispers “I’m sorry” into Ben’s ear when the music starts to kick in. It knocks Ben off kilter and he clings onto Callum tightly. There isn’t a time Callum takes his eyes off Ben through the routine, and Ben wonders if Callum’s forgotten they’re in a studio full of people and millions of people are watching at home; especially when the dance comes to an end, Callum’s forehead against Ben’s, hand resting against his cheek and they don’t part until the lights go back up and the audience get to their feet and they receive a standing ovation.

Ben’s body tingles as they face the judges and even more when they get their best score so far.

*  
Going for drinks as become normal for them now, they’re like added family and it’s genuinely sad when someone gets voted out.

Ben’s not sure how they got away with it this week. Up until the last minute he was sure it was going to be his last week, but something had changed. _Callum_ had changed.

Most of them had gone by now, but there didn’t seem to be a stop to Callum drinking.

“What was it ya said to me about only having one drink?” Ben raises his eyebrow, sitting down on the stool next to him.

“I’m being adventurous for once,” Callum knocks back his pint. “Want another?”

Ben points to his half full pint, “are you alright?” He asks, slightly concerned. “You ain’t normally like this.”

“Like what?” Callum turns his neck to look Ben down, annoyance in his voice.

“Like _this,”_ Ben’s hands flap at his side. “Come on, let’s get ya home.”

“I ain’t finished yet,” Callum huffs, clicking his fingers to get a barmaids attention.

Ben doesn’t mean to, but when he brings his hand up to bring Callum’s hand back down he doesn’t let go, not even when Callum looks down, his hand cupped over his bigger hand, their little fingers hooked together.

“Please,” Ben whispers. “Just call it a night, get home to your girlfriend.”

Callum drags his hand away quickly, rubbing it over his face before pushing passed Ben to get out of there. He welcomes the fresh air, leaning back against the wall as he tries to breathe evenly.

Ben approaches him slowly. “Let me call ya a taxi home.”

“Did ya feel it?”

“Feel what?” Ben asks, halfway through finding a taxi number.

“When we danced tonight,” Callum swallows, “did your heart feel like it was bursting or was it just me?”

Ben freezes, looks up and sees the tears in Callum’s eyes. The fear and the confusion wash over his face, his bottom lip quivering.

“Yeah. Yeah, I ain’t felt anything like it before,” he whispers slowly.

Callum sobs, his head falling back as his eyes screw shut and Ben folds his hands into Callum’s suit jacket lapels. “Hey, come here.”

Callum’s eyes don’t open as he leans forward and accepts Ben’s hug. Their faces hidden away in each other’s necks, Ben places a kiss to Callum’s shoulder. “It’s alright,” Ben comforts. “You’re alright,” he promises, stroking the back of Callum’s neck.

It happens in the blink of an eye and Ben should have seen it coming, but he doesn’t. Callum turns his face slightly, his lips pressed lightly against Ben’s neck and then he’s making his way up to Ben’s cheek. His lips lingering there until he sighs and pulls back, hands coming to either side of Ben’s face and he’s leaning forward until their lips touch.

The kiss takes Ben’s breath away; makes his eyebrows raise and moan into it until he comes to his senses and pulls away as much as he can. “Callum-“ Ben breathes his name against his lips. “Come on, you’re drunk.”

“What? Ya don’t want me?” Callum’s hands drop down from Ben’s face and Ben takes his chance to step back.

_I don’t know. Maybe. Yes. Yes I want ya, ya idiot._

“You’ve had a skinful, Callum,” Ben rubs his eye awkwardly, thankful when a cab comes down the road. “I don’t want ya like this. No.”

He flags the taxi down and makes Callum lean up against him as he puts him into the back of the car. Callum looks so _sad_ , almost as if he’s losing grasp of everything and he’s lost all control.

Ben makes him look up at him. “You’ll work it all out, alright? And I’ll be here for you. Whatever it is ya need, just as long as you follow your heart.”

Callum nods once, but he looks so lost and as if he’ll probably forget any of this even happened when he wakes up tomorrow.

*  
He hasn’t forgotten a single thing. Even worse that Whitney snuggles up close to him in the morning, and he feels nothing but guilt and the need to get out of here.

“Never seen you dance like you did last night,” she mumbles against his chest. “Ya even had me thinking you were in love for a second.”

She laughs like it’s the craziest thought in the world and Callum laughs back as much as he can before the tears in his eyes aren’t from laughing too much.

He swallows down the dread and holds onto her a little longer and tighter than usual.

*  
They make it to Blackpool. They make it there like their kiss never happened. Callum goes into denial about the whole thing. He knows he’s got too much to lose. He can’t throw it all away for a drunken mistake.

That’s all it was. A mistake.

Ben seems to accept it. He doesn’t pressure Callum. Doesn’t push him into anything, doesn’t ask him things that are going to rattle him. They work professionally together and it’s the least they can be thankful for.

Callum tries hard with Whitney. Reminds himself why they got together in the first place, why she’s good for him and she’s what he needs.

Ben and Callum are top of the leaderboard for a second week running, but it’s bittersweet for Callum, what with Whitney being voted out this week.

“You’ve got to win it for us now,” she tells Callum, kissing his cheek. “That glitter ball is all yours,” she hugs him tight.

“I’ll try my best,” Callum laughs, giving her a chaste kiss before they head into a bar.

Things were okay, they were right?

So why does Ben have his tongue down some guys throat? Callum doesn’t know what to do, it’s physically painful to take it in. Whitney’s seen it too, but her reaction is one of giddiness, one of ‘good for you Ben’.

Callum’s nails dig into his palms, and he only lets go of his breath when Ben finally pulls away, winking and slapping the guys arse playfully.

Callum orders his and Whitney’s drinks as soon as possible. Feels Ben’s presence behind him and then Whitney’s making cooing noises. “He’s fit!”

“Tell me about it,” Ben bites his lip. “He might not be Mr Right, but he’s definitely Mr He’ll Do.”

Whitney giggles, slapping the top of his arm before grabbing her drink and excusing herself to go and talk to the girls.

Callum looks deep in thought, his thumb in his mouth as he bites at his nail.

“What? Does it bother ya me talking about sleeping with guys?” Ben is all confrontational all of a sudden, and Callum doesn’t understand why. Why now? When they’ve been fine, things have been _fine_.

“It doesn’t matter to me what you do, does it?” Callum takes a gulp of his drink. “You’ve made that clear.”

Ben’s nostrils flare at that, his fist thumping the top of the bar. “Fuck you,” Ben seethes, shaking his head and making a quick exit.

“Ben, where are you going?” Callum’s followed him, it was just instinct to do so. “Ben, will ya stop!?”

Ben does, shoving his hands into his coat pockets and sitting on a bench across the pier.

“I’m sorry,” Callum licks his lips. “Seem to be saying that a lot lately.”

Ben stays quiet, focuses on the waves.

“I’m trying, Ben. I’m trying so hard,” Callum’s fists dig into his thighs. “I thought I was finally getting my life together, ya know? All my hard work had finally paid off and then you come into my life and-“

“Ruined it all,” Ben laughs bitterly.

“No.” Callum shakes his head, his voice strong. “You made me question everything. You made me feel… _complete_.” 

“That’s why you’ve pretended like that kiss didn’t happen? Makes sense, Callum.”

“You’re so frustrating!” Callum huffs. “I’m trying to open up to you here.”

Ben looks up at him then, the Blackpool lights making his eyes glitter magically. “You can talk.”

A small laugh escapes Callum’s lips. Somewhere between then and now, Callum’s hands have covered Ben’s like a warm blanket. “I know what I want,” Callum nods. “I just need to know you’ll be there waiting.”

“You know I’ll be here,” Ben sighs. “But ya can’t ignore things, alright? I’m not the enemy here.”

“I know that,” Callum entwines their fingers together. “I’ll speak to Whitney tomorrow.”

Ben sits up. “Ya know there’s no rush? We can do it after the shows ended? When things have settled down.”

“It’s not fair to keep lying to her, I’ve been doing it for too long and she deserves better than that.” Callum licks his lips, his mouth so dry and his hearts so loud in his chest. “She’s going to hate me.”

Ben sits up then, his face close to Callum’s. “Never, how could anyone hate you? Your world is _good,_ you’re _good.”_

Callum smiles, but he’s not so sure. His head drops until their foreheads touch and Ben turns his head to press a soft kiss to Callum’s cold cheek.

“We’d best get back,” Ben says, rubbing the length of Callum’s thigh.

Callum nods in agreement, but lets him have something that he’s wanted since he’s tried to forget – a tender kiss full of hope and promises. A kiss that Ben grabs with both hands and doesn’t care to let it go this time.  
*

Callum tells Whitney through the week, it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. She cries until he isn’t sure she can cry no more.

Then things calm down as much as they can, they talk, she tries to understand, Callum explains in the only way he can. “I just fell in love with him. Real and proper love.”

Callum can see the hurt behind her eyes, but she lets Callum hug her tight. Lets him tell her she’s amazing, that she deserves so much more.

It’s not enough right now, he knows it’s never going to be enough, he just hopes time is a healer and they can be friends one day.

The press get a hold of the news before the final, it’s just rumours. Ben tells Callum to focus on the final, that what’s in the papers doesn’t matter because only they know the truth.

Callum’s never been more thankful for him, and he lets him know it. “I love you,” Callum tells him after their show dance. Ben closes his eyes for a second, clearly in shock and Callum panics. “I know it’s soon and-“

“I love you, too.” Ben replies quickly, his hands in Callum’s sparkly shirt. “I’m so lucky to have you,” Callum exhales, and smiles, bright and like sunshine.

*  
They win the show, apparently it was them from the start, but they never expected it, no matter how many times they were told or how they were always the bookies favourite.

Ben sits on the professional male dancers shoulders as he lifts the glitter ball high above his head - there’s tears, happy ones that glisten his eyes because he never expected to have found this.

To not only have won the nations heart, but to have gained the love of a man who was half the man he was. A man with the purest heart there was.

Amongst the crowd, Whitney finds Callum and hugs him. She hugs him tight, “knew you’d do it.” A minute later, “I’m happy for you.”

Callum doesn’t deserve it, and he doesn’t know what to say back to her, but she’s clapping and smiling up at him and he allows himself to hope her heart is healing somehow.

The glitter ball gets passed to him and he lifts it high, the crowd cheering and chanting his name and he feels like his football team have just won the league.

Ben’s by his side, his arms coming around his waist, “we did it!” He beams up at Callum, all excited.

“ _You_ did it, Ben.” Callum brings his arm around Ben’s shoulder.

And amongst everything that’s happened, leaning forward to kiss Ben in front of everyone without a fear in the world, makes him the happiest he’s ever been.

Now he knew what it felt like to _really_ make it.

**Author's Note:**

> you have @halfsway to thank for this fic as she had a dream about it! i hope it was just a little bit enjoyable for you lovely <3
> 
> happy new year guys, i really hope it’s a good one for you all x 
> 
> song title: new year’s prayer - jeff buckley


End file.
